


A moment to discuss

by ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Caleb has some unhealthy thoughts about lust here thought I'd point it out, Dom/sub, Flirting, Kink Negotiation, M/M, POV Caleb Widogast, Relationship Discussions, Self-Loathing Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:16:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26954218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat/pseuds/ThreeGremlinsInATrenchcoat
Summary: Essek and Caleb had hooked up. And it was time to figure out what they were going to do about that. And to discuss what both of them really wanted.(Spoilers for my other fic: Attraction is just a form of Gravity, though having read it is not a prerequisite to know what's going on.)
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 23
Kudos: 86





	A moment to discuss

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again. So, this fic takes a very central interaction of "Attraction is just a form of Gravity" (now on a fanfic site near you!) and switches the POV while stitching a couple of things together that are split up in the original. If you have read the original, there are only like three additional lines of dialogue in here, so be aware of that.
> 
> In short, I am spoiler alerting for my other fanfic. Yes, that's what I'm doing here.  
> If you want to read wizards discussing things without reading the other thing, go ahead , I don't think anything happens that isn't understandable.
> 
> Have fun!

Caleb went back.

He tried to keep calm, but his body betrayed him with trembling muscles and an extreme alertness to his surroundings – nervousness and anxiety bordering on full-fledged fear. For hours he had been plagued by memories of day’s events. Meeting the Scourger in a cell. And the consequential meeting with the Shadowhand.

The two matters pulsed in the back of his head simultaneously, his focus shifting from one to the other every now and again. And while the former was a powerful enough source for discomfort, it was the latter that was currently occupying his mind.

Caleb had fucked up.

It wasn’t a new experience – fucking up, that was – but the bitter sting of failure never became more pleasant. Even if this particular mistake was, objectively, rather trivial. He had, _somehow_ , hooked up with Essek Thelyss in his study, left him without word for days and had then returned only to ask him for another favor. It had been stupid and selfish.

Caleb arrived at the outer walls of the Lucid Bastion. He just had to speak to Essek. He didn’t even need a _why_ for what had happened – Essek probably made mistakes, too – but he needed to know how to progress. Whether to hope for another mistake or not.

He opted not to approach the gate to ask for Essek. The last thing he wanted was to become known as ‘the guy who lingers around waiting for the Shadowhand’, even though that was exactly who he was becoming. Instead, he idled around the premises, walking slowly around the area with an eye on the exit of the outer wall, hoping not to draw attention to himself. He also hoped that Essek was still there.

His nervousness kept him occupied for a while. His thoughts bounced between different subjects, eventually settling back on the contemplation of _why_ the thing in the study had happened. It had been a quick, irrational decision for Caleb, the motives of which had not even been close to calculated.

But if Caleb’s motives were questionable, Essek’s were a mystery. Putting aside the obvious possibility of Essek trying to find a weak spot, there was not much reason for anyone to want to sleep with Caleb. Let alone someone like Essek, who, superficially speaking, very clearly had any and every better alternative to pick from.

Perhaps it was a human thing? Humans weren’t too common in Rosohna. Maybe that just made Caleb an interesting conquest? Though, honestly, a conquest would imply some kind of challenge and Caleb had turned into malleable clay in Essek’s hands within seconds. Which was an embarrassing admission to have to make, even to himself.

Then there was the other thing. _Kneel._ Oh, how happily Caleb had followed that command. Just thinking back on it summoned a feeling of dripping heat to his gut. But along with it was came the heavy sensation of shame. And the question of _why_ he had enjoyed it. Why the best parts had been when Essek pushed and tugged him around like a plaything. It had been _exhilarating_.

Hours passed. Caleb sighed. Perhaps, the time to wait aimlessly had come to an end.

Just then, the gates of the Bastion opened for the sixth time since his arrival. This time Caleb spotted a familiar floating figure wrapped in a dark mantle.

There was a thing, then, that happened when Caleb saw Essek. Something inside him, a _craving_ reached out its invisible strings to latch onto the Shadowhand. There had been a glint of it, of attraction, since their very first conversation. But their encounter in the study had made it brighter, hotter and much more difficult to ignore.

Essek drew closer and kept on going, seemingly not noticing Caleb all but hiding in the shadows. For a moment, Caleb’s words were stuck in his mouth. “Shadowhand.” He finally blurted out.

Essek stopped. He turned to him and their eyes met ever so briefly and Caleb felt a spike of intimidation and want at the same time.

“I am sorry.” He forced out the words. “For approaching you like this.”

Essek regarded him for a moment and Caleb felt worry creep in that he was going to be asked to leave. Or that Essek was going to point out the questionable act of waiting for him at his place of work. “No worries.” Came the soothing response. “I… did not expect you.” Essek cleared his throat with what was probably discomfort. “Was there anything else you required?”

“…Yes, I-“ Caleb looked away. It had been so much easier in his mind to talk about it, but he was used to the sensation of that not translating very well to reality. “You.” Oh gods, no. “I was… requiring-“ The words were a mess on his tongue. He shook his head, hoping to achieve some form of clarity. “Could we talk? I-In private somewhere?”

There was a pause and Caleb really wished he hadn’t come back. But Essek nodded. “Come.” 

Without another word, Essek moved on and, for a second, Caleb was worried he’d misheard him but then he caught up and began to follow before walking beside him. No further words were exchanged. There was something uncomfortable between them as they moved through the streets of Rosohna. Essek was perfectly neutral and collected, so Caleb had no idea whether he was feeling it, too.

He was not so lucky with his own façade. He kept fidgeting with his sleeve hems, craving some kind of release for the built up nervous energy. He wasn’t even sure why he had sought Essek out. He knew they needed to talk. There was no way to just ‘carry on’ as they had. But he wasn’t sure whether he was going to ask for a repeat or for things to go back to normal. That dripping sensation in his gut wanted _more_ but the alarm bells in his head were still on alert.

The silence was becoming exponentially more grating with each step so Caleb finally opened his mouth. “I… have to apologize to you.”

“Oh?” Essek sounded terribly disinterested and it made something uncomfortable settle in with the heat within Caleb. Perhaps, he had been delusional to think that he or what they had done carried any relevance in Essek’s mind.

“Ja, we… I did not intend to leave. Like that. Things were urgent and important and I could not leave the group hanging.” It was a poor excuse, but an honest one, at least.

”You are free to go wherever you please.” 

No relevance at all, it seemed. “I am…. But I suggested we talk. And then I ruined that.” Caleb insisted. “And today… I requested that favor about the Scourger. A-and that is important. I was very focused on it that moment… As I explained, it… they have some connection to…. Who I used to be, I suppose.” He took a deep breath. “In that… mindset… I shut out all…“

“Distractions?” Essek finished.

That word didn’t sit right with Caleb. “No.” He shook his head. “All… other pursuits.” The thoughts about what Essek and him had done had been distracting, but he wasn’t about to call the whole thing a distraction. It had been too good for that. In Caleb’s mind, at least.

“Right.” Essek replied in that same indifferent tone. “Is this everything, then?”

“Ah. No.“ Caleb was surprised by the sudden acid in Essek’s voice. Perhaps the indifference had been pretense. Or Caleb was beginning to grate on his nerves. It was hard to tell. “But the rest… The rest is making good on that request to talk. About… matters.”

“… Good.”

And with that, the silence settled over them again, a little less crushing that time. Caleb walked beside Essek, following each turn he took. He made sure not to look at him, afraid of catching his gaze unintentionally and worried about what he would find there if he did. They reached the Firmaments and Caleb saw a tower, well, three towers, that dominated the neighborhood. It was a stunning structure, constructed of dark stone with a shimmer to it. It was alien in its design, much different from the Candles in Rexxentrum or even Tidepeak in Nicodranas. And it became apparent that they were headed there. Caleb felt excitement prickle in his nerves and a sense of awe overcame him. “Is this… your home?”

“It is.” Essek said simply as he walked Caleb to the entrance. “I trust you keep this information to yourself. This is the best place to truly talk in private.”

“My lips are sealed.” Caleb promised.

Essek opened the door for him and he stepped inside. It was dark. He could tell the room was impressive in size by the light that the windows offered but it was difficult to make out much beyond that. “Follow me.” Essek commanded as he drifted past him.

Caleb would have if he hadn’t been afraid of stumbling over something unseen and hitting the likely very beautiful stone floor face first. He dreaded making a request, but he was certain that the Shadowhand was not going to appreciate him braining himself on the staircase, either, so… “Ah. I… Is there any light? Or, ah, do you mind if I make my own?”

There was a pause. “I do not mind.”

Relieved, Caleb summoned his globules of light. He had been right, the foyer was impressive in size. But also in design. It had high ceilings and decorative angles and designs all over. Caleb, against his better instincts, still had a soft spot for a wizard’s tower. “This is a stunning structure…”

“Thank you… Shall we?” Essek pressed and Caleb realized that he was wasting his now-host’s time.

He quickly turned to follow, being led up the stairs. It occurred to him, very belatedly, that he still knew next to nothing about Essek and yet had entered his home without the Nein knowing where he was or what he was doing. It sent a chill over his spine. That strange attraction to Essek coupled with the amazement over the tower had led him down a dangerous path. Though he knew that, if he was not to leave these towers again, the Nein would find out and so would the Bright Queen, who had, as false as that title felt, proclaimed him to be a hero.

Essek brought him to a cozy room with couches and shelves and a small coffee table. Caleb reigned in the desire to stare at the bookcase to read the titles it held, not wanting to tug too much at what felt like a precarious situation.

“Please, sit.” Came the offer and Caleb took it without question.

As he sat his leg started to bounce restlessly and no amount of willpower calmed it down.

Essek flicked his wrist, allowing all the candles in the room come to life. “Oh. That is a very nice trick.” He dispelled his own light. He hoped that ‘trick’ hadn’t been insulting.

“Would you care for something to drink?” Essek asked, some of the coldness in his tone melting away.

“Gladly.” Caleb smiled and he hoped that it looked genuine, though he knew he was undermining it with how he looked away right after, the way his hands didn’t stop looking for some piece of fabric to play with and the way his heel bounced up and down on the rug. He must have looked a mess. Right out of place in the Shadowhand’s lavish, elegant home.

“Very well. Stay here. I will be right back.”

Caleb was… more than surprised to see the Shadowhand turn and leave. Surely, it was a brief absence but it was absence nonetheless. Absence in which Caleb could have taken this room apart. He supposed, then, that the titles on the shelf – which Caleb saw were in Undercommon – held no interesting or secret knowledge. He couldn’t know for sure, of course, unless he read them. But not wanting to ruin the good graces of his host, he kept his fingers from sprinkling soot and salt into the air and finding out.

There were more pressing matters, anyway. Like the fact that he had slept with a politically powerful figure of the Kryn Dynasty, a tenuous chaperone to him and his group, and was now in his home to discuss the implications of that. All the while he wanted nothing more than to do it again. Fuck, he really was screwed up.

As if on cue, his host returned with a bottle and two glasses that probably cost more than everything Caleb owned combined. Essek sat down opposite of him and poured them both a glass of the vintage. Caleb wished to have questioned Beau more on wine to offer some insightful opinion, but he had nothing so he just picked up the glass Essek didn’t take with an utterance of “Danke.” before pausing and adding a “Thank you.”

Essek gave a gentle nod. Caleb looked down at his glass. “So…” Essek broke the silence. “You wished to speak.”

“Right, yes… I… I am relieved to finally have this conversation with you.” Caleb didn’t know how much information to offer, but with how he had left Essek hanging he erred on the side of being talkative. “It would be a lie to say that I haven’t thought about… ah… our… encounter.”

The words hung uncomfortably in the air for a few moments before Essek decided to pick them up. “I suppose it would be prudent for me to know whether that is a positive or a negative thing.”

Caleb took a sip, wishing to drown some of his nerves in fermented fruit. “Positive.” He knew he could have danced around the admission. But after everything he felt he owed Essek the truth about it. If nothing else, he knew that if he wanted something, he had to do something to get it. “At the… risk of… fucking things up… I’ve been thinking that… I… would like to repeat it. Sometime. I do not know how it… went from talking about magic to… ah… that. But I cannot say that I regret that it did. At all. No, I would … really like for there to be another… moment… like it.”

“Ah. Would you now?” The shift in Essek’s tone was surprising. It went from cold and cautious to teasing and… well, perhaps, not warm, but _warmer_ within seconds.

Caleb felt his hunched shoulders relax a little. He had been welcomed into the home moments before but now he felt welcome in the conversation. He peered at Essek and found a smile and perhaps it was the joy of it or the absurdity of questioning Caleb’s interest that spurred him on to respond in kind. “Have sex with an attractive, powerful wizard? It came as a shock to me, as well.”

There was a moment of visible contemplation on Essek’s face before he set his glass down and the anxiety spiked back up in Caleb’s nerves as he feared that his admission had been too much. He didn’t want to scare Essek off. He didn’t want to ruin everything else with his shameful lust. The magic, the discussions. Essek had such a fascinating and interesting mind. Caleb didn’t want to push it away just because he found himself drawn to the body it was attached to.

“If… if you wish to simply return to our… professional relationship, however.” He cleared this throat. “I will not bother you with any… untoward advances.”

“As though I would let you slip through my fingers, now.” Essek replied as he leaned back. “I enjoyed our little tryst, as well. And I would not be opposed to… indulging in more of that with you.”

 _What?_ Caleb found himself unable to look away as a million questions exploded in the back of his mind, the forerunner of them being a whether he had misheard his host. Essek – this handsome, intelligent, powerful person – wanted _him_? Wanted to sleep with… _him?_ Surely, Caleb’s delusions had taken over. Caleb had seen dozens of more attractive alternatives just that day. Hells, there were much better choices within the Mighty Nein alone.

“You don’t have to look at me like that.” Essek tore him out of his stream of consciousness. “It is like you said. Sex with an attractive, powerful wizard is a very desirable way to spend one’s time.” He smirked and Caleb felt his heart stutter.

His face lit up with heat as he began to wonder whether maybe Essek was in dire need of glasses. He realized that he had been absent-mindedly staring at his host without offering so much as a reply for far too long. He cleared his throat and looked away. “Then… we… want the same?”

“Perhaps.” Essek replied, the teasing note fading from his voice. Caleb looked up briefly and was caught by his eyes. There was something hungry in them that was only accentuated more by Essek leaning closer. “There is… another thing. Something that, if we are to have more of these trysts, we cannot ignore.”

Caleb knew. Or, he thought he knew what Essek was getting at. It hadn’t just been a tryst. Caleb had dropped to his knees on command and been willing to be pushed and dragged around by him. It was embarrassing. Humiliating, even, how _willing_ Caleb had been to submit. And yet, he wanted more of it. Wanted for Essek to tug on him harder and for him to bow lower. But perhaps Essek didn’t want that anymore? Perhaps it had been a test and Caleb had failed and Essek just wanted to mock his shameful submission?

“Unless you’d prefer we ignore that part. And never speak of it again.” There was something cautious there.

Caleb forced himself to meet Essek’s eyes. There was no judgment. He saw no sneer, no repulsion. No humored grin. Just patient sincerity, as far as Caleb could tell. And Essek was handing him the option to forget and ignore. He was offered for that particular thing to be left to decay with time. “No. That is not what I … I would like to continue with… that.”

Essek smiled and while it initially looked like genuine relief, it quickly turned sharp. “’That’.” He plucked out one of Caleb’s words. “And what is this ‘that’ that you would like to continue with?”

Caleb felt even more blood rushing into his cheeks. He understood the game. The intent. The request. “I…” He swallowed but his mouth felt dry. “I want you to… I would like…” He scolded himself. He had to do this right. He _wanted_ to do this right. “Please.” He started over and bowed his head. “Command me like you did before. Treat me…” He paused as he tried to find adequate words. He listened to that terrible lust inside of him and he carried on. “… I want you to treat me as though you own me. As if it was my sole purpose to … serve you. I want to be at your mercy. Be… beneath you. I want to be commanded as though the only thing giving me worth is how useful I can be to you. Please…”

There was a moment where all Caleb could hear was his heart hammering in his chest. He felt like a defendant waiting for a verdict to see if he was worthy. “Oh, _that_ is what you want.” Essek sounded amused. The almost indifferent way he spoke made that shameful thing in Caleb’s gut hotter. “Well, you are quite lucky then.” Caleb looked up. “I find the idea of owning you quite pleasing. I will allow you to serve me.”

Caleb released a breath as the heat was joined by a feeling of excitement and disbelief.

“Aren’t you grateful?” Essek demanded.

Caleb lowered his head again. “Yes. I… thank you.” He liked this. Liked this theater they were having. This pretend dynamic. He liked the idea of submitting himself to someone else. To subjecting himself to their whims. And Essek… well Essek was just perfect for it, wasn’t he?

“I’m teasing, Caleb.” Essek said almost softly. “We’re not quite there yet.”

Oh, but why couldn’t they be? What else was there to say? He raised his head and looked back at Essek.

“Before we can engage in that type of … relationship, I need to know exactly what you like.“

“Ah.“ Caleb felt a bit of tension leave his shoulders. A conversation, then. Likely a good idea. Though Caleb was more than ready to do and don’t and take and give what Essek wanted, there were a few things that he wanted to assure himself of. “…ja, that is a good idea. I also have some questions.”

“Right, of course.” Essek nodded in understanding. “What do you wish to know?”

“Well, this may be somewhat of a foolish question.” Caleb realized that perhaps he had been thinking about what Essek was offering all wrong. One of his fingers began tapping against the side of his wine glass. “But, the way you speak about… this… It would be a regular occurrence, yes? Not only another isolated thing?”

“That is what I assumed.” Essek volunteered. “However, I will not pressure you into such a thing. If you are not looking to have a continuous arrangement, I will gladly indulge in another singular encounter with you.”

“No, no. That- an arrangement.” _Arrangement._ Caleb looked down as he felt his cheeks redden once more. He was likely walking out of there having an _arrangement_ with Essek. An _arrangement_ to have sex with him. As a _recurring_ event. It seemed completely unrealistic. “I was hoping for something like that, as well.”

“Delightful.”

“Ja. But, ah, this…” _Arrangement._ The word continued to rattle around in Caleb’s head. It was specifically chosen, he was sure. He stopped tapping his glass. “… this would not be a relationship, correct? Well- I suppose anything, ah, interpersonal is always a relationship of some kind.” He shook his head. “But, it would not be- It would just be the physical, ja?” An arrangement Caleb could do. A relationship… there were several prerequisites missing for such a thing. He’d want to have feelings for Essek, for one.

“If you are asking whether I am courting you, I am not.”

It sounded so ridiculous when Essek put it like that. “I suppose that is what I was asking, yes.” Caleb gave a hesitant nod. “So you would not be- we would not be a couple, yes?”

“Correct.” Essek confirmed. “Nothing of that sort. I think you might be a compatible match in bed not in, er, life.”

 _That was more than anyone else thought._ Caleb was not exactly boyfriend- or partner- or whatever else-material. He wasn’t the type of person who was courted, neither did he need to be. ”Understood.” He realized that maybe Essek thought, then, that he had expected otherwise. Or wanted otherwise. “That is- I mean I assumed as much. I was rather certain, but I had to-“

“Of course.” Essek killed his rambling with mercy. “I understand the need to clarify, no worries. I seek no rendezvous or other elements of partnership with you. Only physical encounters.”

Caleb just nodded in reply. He looked at Essek but found the eye contact unbearable so he looked at a spot on the rug beneath his feet. “So I would be a, a…”

“A lover, I suppose.” Essek provided. “Simply not of the romantic variety.”

That seemed like a good enough answer. Caleb raised his wine glass to his lips, cursing the persistent tremor in his hand as he did so. He wasn’t even sure why he wanted to know what Essek labeled him in his head. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter whether he called him a boyfriend, a lover or some derogatory variation of a courtesan, as long as he didn’t do it to his face.

“I have no expectations that you will tend to anything other than my physical needs whenever both of us are so inclined. And in turn, you hold me to those same expectations.” Essek continued, seemingly wanting to make sure that Caleb wasn’t going to emote all over him. “No more and no less than that.”

“Ja, of course. Thank you for clarifying.”

“Of course.” Essek hesitated. “Just… ask me if you are ever unsure about any of the terms of this.”

“Understood. That I can do.” Caleb agreed. Something else occurred to him. “So in public…” He started to tap his glass again.

“I would present myself to and around you as I have until now. And I implore you to maintain your demeanor, as well.” Essek paused. “I do not wish to jeopardize anything. That includes our professional relationship. I do value our regular conversations.”

“Ah, I do value those, as well.” Caleb agreed, hoping that Essek believed it. “So that would not cease… yes? Our… ah… ‘normal’ private conversations?” He just needed to be sure that he hadn’t closed that door. He really did want to sleep with Essek, but if it was that or this enticing new magic, Caleb knew what he had to pick. Not that that was going to be much of an option if he rebuffed Essek after all of _that._

“This has no influence on whether and how much more Dunamancy I will teach you.” Essek explained and Caleb felt bad. Whether he felt bad for using him or for being so obvious about it, he wasn’t sure.

“So I can still come to you about requests of that nature? Magical or other more… scholarly pursuits?”

“Yes. My offer still stands. You can approach me with such inquiries and I will entertain them if I have a moment to spare.” Essek looked away. “Treat this… as though it exists in a bubble. Anything that happens inside stays inside and has no bearing on anything on the outside.”

“Ja, I get that.” It was reasonable. Expected.

Essek seemed to contemplate something, then his eyes narrowed. “That includes favors I am owed by you and yours.”

Caleb met his gaze to find a hardness there.

“If you ask me to use my abilities for you, I will do so at my own discretion, as I have until now. Me engaging in this arrangement with you has no influence on how likely I am to help your group. Neither is it a method of paying back favors.” Essek explained.

That came as no surprise. Not only did Caleb have no interest in paying back favors that way - due to the explanation he would have owed the Nein - he was well-aware of how little his physique and ability measured up to the magnitude of the favors owed. It would have been an inequal exchange. That, and Caleb would have been unfairly getting a lot of pleasure out of repaying a debt that way. He offered a smile of understanding. “I had no such intentions.” He looked back at his wine. “This is a give and take in and of itself, ja? Even if it were not… I would not appreciate explaining to the group why, ah, we’re no longer in debt...”

“Nor am I keen on explaining why I continue to extend my hand further than necessary to your group without ever seeking anything in return…” Essek said. “All of this has to stay between you and me. That is what you want, as well, correct?”

“Ja. I figured that it might cause you problems if someone found out about this. Given, well… given everything, I suppose.” Caleb knew that he was a risk. In fact, he had hoped so. If he wasn’t, then Essek would have had a clear upper hand in this. He brushed his fingertip against his glass.

“That would be a true assumption, yes.”

Caleb could imagine the consequences of something like this becoming known. Not in detail, perhaps, but he had a vague idea. “Is there anyone at all you will tell about this? Ah, not that you would have to share that information with me.”

Essek seemed to consider his reply for a moment. Such a long moment that Caleb became convinced that it was less about figuring out a truthful answer and more about figuring out how much to disclose. “No, I have no intentions of sharing this secret with anyone but yourself.”

“Ah, that’s good.” So the secret was really just between the two of them. That made things relatively simple. “I mean, I assumed. But I did not want to cling to assumptions.” If it was really only the two of them, the information had a good chance of staying secret. And it meant that Essek was protective of it. So even though Caleb barely knew him, he could trust that Essek wouldn’t do anything against his wishes under the risk of Caleb disclosing something to the public.

“Why did you assume that I wouldn’t tell anyone?” Essek asked sharply.

An odd thing to ask about. “Oh, I found it hard to believe that you would share personal information – secrets even - with any third party. Given that you seem to be practicing a profession that requires secrecy…” Caleb realized that maybe claiming to know what Essek was going to do was a bit rude. Presumptuous. Stupid. Idiot. “I, er, didn’t mean to offend. I apologize if that came across as, er-“

“Don’t worry, I understand.” Essek replied quickly, any offense vanishing from his tone of voice. “I appreciate the confidence you have in my secrecy. I assure you it is not misplaced.”

Caleb was not sure how to respond to that. He felt like he had missed something. Perhaps in Essek’s words or his behavior, but he wasn’t sure what it was.

“Do _you_ intend to share this secret with anyone?” Essek asked.

That was probably what _he_ was counting on. Caleb’s own desire for privacy. And he was right. The Nein knowing that he was heading out to sleep with and get on his knees for a person that was politically important and criminally hard to read? There would have been no end to their comments and teasing. And their distrust, most likely. “No.” He shook his head. “I… understand why you need to ask.” The Nein were his friends, after all. “But, er, while privacy in the Xhorhaus is scarce at best and a lot of information has been shared, I am more than capable of keeping this to myself.”

“Very good. I appreciate that.” Essek said with a thin, but approving smile.

Caleb felt a bit of a smile curl on his own lips in response. He had assumed as much. “Well, my interest in secrecy is very selfish. My group would never let me live this down.”

“Yes, I can… imagine.” Essek replied. Caleb could not decide whether his tone was derisive, amused or both. “Are you good at keeping secrets, then?”

That made Caleb want to laugh. He didn’t. His smile wavered. He wondered whether Essek was trying to dig into something other than this arrangement that they were to share. Something that Caleb wanted to keep close to the chest and hidden. It was to be expected. Essek did have a position in court and Caleb was from their enemy nation. Trying to find out more about him was nothing but smart. “Ja, I am rather apt at it.”

“Good.”

Caleb was a bit relieved for apparently having met Essek’s requirements so far. But it was overshadowed by discomfort for the direction this conversation had taken. There was no friendship there. No trust. Caleb was terribly attracted to him but that bred no assurance. Likely, Essek felt the same. Well, safe for the amount of attraction, perhaps. The only reason neither of them would sell the other out was because neither of them wanted the information to spread. Caleb smiled wryly. “Mutually assured destruction, yes?”

“How do you mean?”

Caleb shot him a look. “Well, to be honest, I was wondering how someone in your position would ensure preserving your reputation.” Caleb began tapping his fingertip against the glass again. “How you would ensure my silence, I mean.”

“Did you now?” The question was challenging.

“Ja. It seemed a rather… important point to consider.” Caleb admitted and he felt that Essek could appreciate the foresight.

“Right.” A small smile proved Caleb right.

Motivated by that, he continued. “I could not imagine that you trust me. Though we – my group and I – have returned one of your Beacons… I presumed that any faith granted by this action would not reach your private chambers.” Caleb glanced at Essek. “You are smarter than to trust me with a secret arrangement based on that alone.” He looked away. “So I assumed that you were counting on my desire to keep this secret for my own benefit or on the intimidation that your title implies. Perhaps a combination of both.”

“You are not wrong. About the trust.” Essek assented. “I don’t trust you, I’m afraid. As I am sure you do not trust me, either.” Essek was definitely right about that. He started to move his glass in a circular motion, causing the liquid inside it to dance. Caleb watched it. “Though I believe that such a thing can be… established.”

Caleb was relieved that Essek was being this frank with him. Though they had been tugging on each other’s ends practically since the day they had met, this was something different and Caleb wasn’t sure how he would have handled sneaking around facts right then. “That is how it works, is it not? Trust.” Caleb watched his own finger tapping the glass as though it wasn’t a part of him. He wondered about that statement. Wondered about where this _arrangement_ , coupled with their professional relationship was going to go. Moreover, Caleb questioned his own willingness to engage with Essek in spite of it. Of course there were contingencies. The Nein. The Bright Queen. But he felt as though his better judgment should have been telling him not to agree. Yet, said better judgment was nowhere to be found.

“Well, this lack of trust needn’t be a problem. You were quite right, I am relying on your desire to maintain the secrecy of this agreement. Beyond that, all I need to have faith in, and I do believe this goes both ways, is that we are both interested in this.” Essek elaborated. “You need to trust that I will not do anything you do not want. But if you had such doubts… you would not be here, correct?”

That was a good question, too. Caleb felt dreadfully absent of doubts, even though doubt was usually the material he was woven of. “Ah, correct.” Caleb’s finger rested. Contingencies would do him no good if Essek wasn’t aware of them. “If you did… abuse your end of the agreement, I- Well, I am certain that my group would take issue with you hurting me or spiriting me away in the dead of night for good. And I have it in good faith that you would not be above their suspicions should I… disappear.”

Essek seemed somewhat entertained. “Is that a threat, Widogast?”

“Not at all, Shadowhand.” Caleb shook his head and he looked back down at his glass. It wasn’t a threat, not really. He had no hope or desire to invoke any of it. “I am merely elaborating my willingness to engage in this with you.”

“I see. Well, you have nothing to worry about. My promise means nothing to you, I’m sure, but I do promise that I bear you no ill will and have no intentions to hurt you or ‘spirit you away’.” Essek said and, considering everything, considering the sheer risk it must have been to have this conversation alone, Caleb believed him.

“And you are not going to threaten me about what will happen if I try to reveal that you take questionable Empire turncoats to your bed?” Caleb teased.

“I see no need for that.” Essek said with certainty. “I am sure you know whose word carries more weight here. And I think you are extremely aware of the resources at my disposal should I need to silence someone.”

“That sounds oddly threatening to me.” Caleb laughed quietly.

“Not at all. Simply elaborating my willingness to engage in this with you.” Essek tossed his words back to him and Caleb couldn’t help but be amused.

Somehow, sitting on this Shadowhand’s couch, discussing something foolish and dangerous and being all but threatened, he was amused. He mulled over Essek’s words in his head and he realized something. “But, ah, while I agree that my group should not find out, if possible… And while I do believe myself to be quite capable of keeping a secret… I would ask that you refrain from using your, ah, resources in a punitive manner should this secret spill over accidentally.”

“Accidentally?” The look Essek gave him was discerning and calculating. “How would your group find out if not by your words?”

How, indeed? Some of them appeared to operate on a metaphysical level in that regard. Showing insight and intuition beyond belief. “Hm. Some of them have a bit of a knack for this type of thing. Our upbeat blue friend is particularly invested in, shall I say, ‘theorizing’ about things of this nature.” Jester would have gone absolutely wild if she were to find out about this. In her endearing, but harrowing way. “And Herr Clay is very capable of perceiving many things in someone’s expressions alone. Things that appear invisible to everyone else.” Caleb actually had little doubts that Caduceus would discern it, eventually. Caleb’s best bet was that he was just not going to mention it unless provoked. Or, Caleb hoped so.

“So you would not withstand an interrogation of theirs?”

“Interrogation…” That word wasn’t quite right. He was reminded of when he was called out for his sticky fingers more than once. Uncomfortable memories. “That is not what I meant. If they were to ask me directly, I am confident I could keep quiet. What I am more worried about is that they will stumble upon the truth regardless. Some version of it, at the very least.”

“You do have a knack for stumbling into… all kinds of predicaments.” The Nein or Caleb, specifically? Essek was right either way, Caleb supposed. “Well, provided that they keep that information to themselves, I think we should be fine. Though I would still prefer not risking it by letting them know on purpose. I certainly will not hold you responsible if your friends were to just… figure this out on their own somehow- And if by ‘punitive resources’ you mean I will throw you and yours into the Dungeon and be done with it, I fear for the image you hold of me.”

It was not about a complete image and rather about one that was missing far too many pieces to be interpreted. “It is not so much my image of you. You are a man of secrets and reputation, ja? Some people will go very far to protect those.”

“I suppose. But you will find I cannot simply arrest you without reason. Even if I wanted to.” Essek appeared contemplative. “On a related note. If your group were to find out, would they be amiable?”

“Would they be okay with us having a physical relationship?” Caleb asked back. He thought about this. He saw no reason why the Nein should be generally invested in his sexual endeavors. However, Essek was not just anybody. He was a political figure. He was one of the last people to feasibly have an uncomplicated affair with. “I worry they would think me compromised in any further discussions about the Dynasty. I do not know how much, ah, credibility they would ascribe to my contributions or opinions regarding this nation or the war. And my credibility among them is something I would very much like to maintain. I know that I can separate this from anything else. I fear they might not trust me to do so.”

“I understand. My credibility is a very vital part of my position, as well.” Essek volunteered and Caleb felt a measure of empathy within the notion. “So let us each do everything we can to maintain appearances.”

“Ja, I agree.”

“Will you lie to them, then? About this?” Essek inquired.

It sounded strangely accusatory, even though Caleb knew the correct answer to be an affirmative. He knew he would probably have to, eventually. But if he was going to be able to skirt by with well-timed absences and half-truths, he would have much preferred that. “If I must, yes. I would much rather work with omissions than blatant falsehoods but either way there will be non-truths spoken. Though…” Caleb hesitated, worried about the picture he was painting. He planned on keeping up his end. But he felt no loyalty to Essek that was not trumped ten times over by everything he held in regards to his friends. “If the situation calls for me to speak openly about this, say for the sake of our safety, I will do so. I promise you I am keen on having this arrangement and on preserving its secrecy. But if there comes a time when I have to decide between this and the group, there is no question in my mind which direction I will go.”

“Of course. Anything else would have been, ah, very strange, indeed.”

Caleb felt relieved at the leniency that Essek was apparently willing to give him. Or perhaps, the understanding that he was extending. He was a very apt negotiator, it seemed. Which made sense, given his political standing. Yet, even about personal matters… perhaps he was just very experienced. Likely, he had had this conversation _several times_ in the past. Then perhaps, he was not willing to start this with Caleb because he was _special_ in any way. But instead because he was just a willing _addition_. Caleb narrowed his eyes at his wine glass. It would have been extremely rude to ask. Astoundingly rude. But did it not constitute as part of their agreement? Was it not better for him to know? Objectively? “…if you do not mind the question…” He pushed the words out. “Are there other bubbles? Others like me? Currently? For you?”

Essek paused and Caleb felt dread in his gut and he couldn’t place the origin of it. It was not like he had exclusive rights to Essek’s bedchambers. Or like he would have ever had the audacity to _want_ for that. It made much more _sense_ if Essek had other, more appealing partners, as well. “Are you asking me whether I’m integrating you into a pre-existing lineup of submissives?”

Hearing the question thrown back at him made Caleb feel worse. He should have just shut up. Taken it and run with it. Not risk it all by entertaining some terrible need to know whether he was the only one. “…Sort of.”

“I am not.” The reply came quickly and lifted a weight from Caleb’s shoulders. He tried not to show his relief. “And I currently have no plans of taking another lover, aside from you, either. I do not have much time for personal endeavors, as you can perhaps imagine. Much less to entertain more than one of these arrangements at a time.”

“Alright, I see.” That should not have felt as good as it did.

“That does not mean that you cannot engage in another relationship, however.” Essek added. “During a tryst I demand absolute devotion and loyalty from you, but aside from that you are free to seek out as many others as you like. So long as they do not interfere with our arrangement in any way.”

Caleb laughed drily at that. The assumption that Caleb was desirable enough to not only have one sexual partner but multiple? He really hoped the wine was not screwing with Essek’s head too much. Once upon a time that could have worked perhaps, but now… “ I don’t think that will be happening any time soon. But thank you for letting me know.”

“Of course.” Essek was staring at his glass and Caleb wasn’t sure why. “I have no domain over any of your endeavors outside my bedroom.”

Nor would Caleb have let him take control over those. Though, _pretending to_ give him everything. _Pretending_ that he was owned… “Understood.” Caleb had to seriously stop letting those thoughts fester. For the time being, at least.

“Well, now that we’ve spoken about my romantic life…” Essek picked up the thread of the conversation. “Do you have any experience with this type of arrangement?” He leaned back and Caleb noted the confidence that subtle movement seemed to imply.

Ah, of course. The dreaded question about experience. Caleb began to twist his glass by its stem between his fingers. “Not… much.” He admitted and he felt embarrassment of a different kind settle in. It hadn’t been much of a priority for a while and before that it had been no possibility for a decade. And before _that_ , well, that had been a very different time, altogether. “There are some things that, ah, I suppose, fall within the realm of… this dynamic, which I know I enjoy…” He was being very generous with the classification. “But, ah… There are many more I have not gotten to experience, yet. Though I can imagine liking some of them…”

Essek seemed to grant him the time to talk, which Caleb was grateful for.

“It has been… quite a while since I have had a regular… physical relationship with someone… at all.” He volunteered, hoping that Essek was not going to not condemn him or mock him for it. If their previous tryst hadn’t completely given him away, already.

“Was it with a man?”

“Ah… no.” Not the regular one. Caleb desperately tried to fight the memories of Astrid, distant and intimate and buried in his mind. Then he came upon other memories. “But I have had experiences with men. … Before you, as well, I mean.” And he tried to bury those, as well.

“I see. And you have never really been dominated?” Essek mercifully didn’t pick at any of the wounds Caleb was showing, likely not even identifying them as such.

“… No. There were elements.” Hair tugging, pinned wrists … “But never… like what you are proposing.” He began twisting the glass again. “What about you…?” He hoped Essek would let him change the subject.

“I have had a few men submit to me before.” Essek explained with not a hint of shame. “None of them were a permanent affair. And it has been a while… but I would consider myself experienced.”

“Were your previous partners all guys?” Not that it mattered much to Caleb, but he was curious and desperate to keep the conversation from tipping back over to himself.

“Exclusively.” Essek replied. “So far I have only ever felt attracted to men.”

“Lucky me.” Caleb noted, feeling the humor creep back into his voice as the glass stilled in his hands. Something about the conversation kept pulling him back from getting lost in his less pleasant thoughts.

Essek met his gaze with a smirk. “Lucky both of us.”

“Ah, yes, I … suppose.” Caleb felt more heat in his cheeks as he took a sip. He knew, intellectually, that Essek must have found him some kind of attractive in order to proposition him. But it was not sinking in just yet. He lowered the glass. “Though… I am surprised that men are not throwing themselves at your-“ Essek didn’t walk. “Your…”

“’Feet’ is fine. I do have them.” Essek’s voice betrayed amusement. He crossed one leg over the other, the familiar mantle parting to reveal his legs and, yes, the attached feet clad in boots. “And some do metaphorically throw themselves at me… but I’ve never been very interested in any of them. Not like I am interested in you.”

 _But why?_ “Oh.” Caleb knew he was bright red and it only made his embarrassment worse. He was flattered, but he felt like it was false. He wanted to correct Essek. To tell him that he was actually wrong, that Caleb was the worst possible choice he could have made for a sexual partner, or a partner of any kind, and that he should have kicked him out. That he was not worth this conversation, this expensive glass of wine, this time and much less Essek’s physical attentions. And he would have done so if he had been stronger. But he was, after all, weak.

“Enough about anyone else. I want to talk about you.”

Oh no. Caleb finished his glass before putting it down on the table. Perhaps that would help settle his nerves. “Alright.”

“If you are… ready to discuss things.” Caleb caught Essek eyeing his glass.

“Ja, I am.” He tried to assure. “I am… not used to anything like this. I apologize if I come off as, ah, cold or distant.”

“Not at all. Your nervousness is perfectly understandable.” And Essek was being terribly understanding. It was a kindness that Caleb had not expected. There was something warm in him that resonated with it. “How about we start with a rather simple matter? What would you like to be called during a tryst?”

A nickname. Caleb could have probably thought one up if he had considered this to be important beforehand. “Ah… I cannot say that I’ve given the matter any thought…”

“That is fine.” Essek finished his glass as well and Caleb worried that he needed the wine to help him deal with such a hapless partner. “Do any ideas come to mind? Or a tone or meaning you would like the term to carry?”

“I am… unsure.” That, and he didn’t really care. Essek was lowering himself to Caleb’s standards. He could have called him whatever he wanted. Caleb did not relish being insulted, but if that was what it took…

Essek picked up the wine bottle and refilled their glasses. “Some people like their name to have a personal touch. But that isn’t a requirement. There are plenty of non-sentimental options, as well.” He put down the bottle and picked up his glass. “I could provide some suggestions, if you’re interested?”

“Ah, yes. If you would be so kind.” Caleb hadn’t really expected this meeting to be educational. He really, _really_ hoped Essek minded as little as he was showing.

“Certainly. Well, some terms are softer sounding. Names like… ‘pet’ or ‘beautiful’ or ‘kitten’. But some prefer more punishing, demeaning terms. Insults like ‘slut’ or ‘whore’. But the name can be almost anything.” Essek explained nonchalantly.

“I see…” Caleb took his own glass back into his hands if only to give his nervous fingers something to do. “Do you have a preference? About what you’d like to call me?”

Essek looked him over then and Caleb felt strangely naked despite being dressed. “I think ‘pet’ would suit you nicely. It can be said very sweetly or very harshly; I enjoy the versatility. Though, I may also switch to more insulting terms to be stern with you… unless, perhaps, you wish for something more demeaning in general?”

Caleb said it in his head. ‘Pet’. He liked it. Essek beckoning him with it, or teasing him with it or reprimanding him with it… it sent a shiver down his spine. But the demeaning terms… if Essek was _offering_ him to voice his opinion them… “It is a good choice. Just…” Caleb began twirling his glass. “… when you… use more punishing terms - which, ah, is fine – I would ask that you refrain from using any insults that relate to my appearance. Or- Or anything related to my homeland. Like… I don’t know… ‘Empire scum’. Or something…” Caleb was well-aware that he wasn’t the most attractive and he didn’t think it would make it any more pleasurable for him to be reminded of it. And he really, _really_ didn’t need to be reminded of his roots. Least of all while he was having sex with the Shadowhand of the Kryn Dynasty.

“Oh, I have no interest in carrying politics over the threshold of my bedroom door. You have absolutely no reason to worry about that.” Essek sounded displeased by the idea, which was an immense relief.

“Sehr gut. Ah, very good. So… what about you? What, ah… ‘nickname’-“ He raised his hands to make air quotes. “- am I to call you by?”

Essek relaxed into his chair. “I am not too particular about it, either. So long as it inspires submission, any term works. You can call me ‘Master’; it is quite functional.”

Caleb only barely caught Essek’s words after he suggested the term ‘Master’. He immediately stopped playing with his wine glass as though a reprimanding word had ben spat his way. He knew it was a normal term. But he felt his mind trying to claw its way out of his skull at the thought of kneeling in front of someone – someone who was his _tutor_ in a different context – and say ‘Master’ and beg and please and _don’t, he tried so hard, he’ll do better, Master Ik_ \- He had to stop spiraling. He had been better, he _was_ better, he wouldn’t let a simple word own him like that. “Ah… ‘Master’, yes?”

“Or anything else.” Came the offer. Essek must have noticed his discomfort. “Like I said, I am not particular about it. And I am certainly not married to that term… We can gladly use a different one.”

Relief washed over Caleb. He started to spin the glass again – it was less of a planned action and more an outlet for that nervousness that buzzed around in his body. It felt reassuring to spin it, somehow. Caleb briefly thought on the subject, feeling the responsibility to provide an alternative to be his. “… How about I just call you ‘Shadowhand’, then?”

He noticed Essek grimace as he glanced up and quickly looked back down. A bad suggestion. “While that is, strictly speaking, a term of respect, I would much prefer leaving my profession at the door. Right next to the politics. I am not the Shadowhand to you during a tryst. And the last thing I wish to think about during sex is work.”

It was a very reasonable objection. Caleb had no title of his own to properly relate, but it made enough sense. Perhaps-

“The same goes for my last name. I do not want you to refer to me as ‘Lord Theylss’ or ‘Anything Thelyss’ as the chosen term of respect. My Den has nothing to do with this, either.” Essek tacked on.

Or not. It was another reasonable objection. “Of course.” Caleb had no attachment like that to his last name. But that was a different matter altogether. He gave the potential nickname another thought and came to a very simple conclusion. “How about I just call you ‘Essek’, then? No jobs or Dens or politics attached to that… Not in the same way, at least.”

Caleb looked up to watch Essek’s face go blank for a moment. He must have been surprised by the suggestion. “Well, usually, the usage of nicknames ensures a… separation from the normal relationship.”

Of course. “Ah, ja. That makes sense.” Caleb was starting to feel embarrassed. Yes, he had told Essek of his inexperience but he didn’t want his, hm, his _Liebhaber_ to think he was completely uneducated about the matter. “So, none of your names then…”

It took Essek another moment, punctuated by a sip of his wine, to reply. “Since I cannot think of a proper alternative… I am inclined to give it a shot. We will switch to something else if the need arises.”

Caleb fought back a satisfied smile. Not that horrid of a suggestion, then, after all. “Wundervoll.” He raised his glass to his lips. He was glad to have the matter settled. He’d rather not have the conversation veer into the direction of his own name too much. Essek was sharp. Too sharp to discuss his made-up name with. Caleb began spinning his glass again after lowering it. “So…” He thought over the elements of the agreement, what he wanted clarity on. “When you call me ‘pet’… that indicates a… start, of a sort?”

“Well… not quite? Like any other type of tryst, it can start in a number of ways.” Essek explained. “Explicitly asking is always an option. I, myself, am partial to an obvious advance. For instance, if I were to run my hand through your hair… or you bowed to me… I think you know what I mean.”

Caleb knew what he meant.

“But honestly, if you wish to initiate, just try it. And if I don’t notice, simply ask.”

The explanation was so simple that Caleb couldn’t help but feel like Essek thought him completely new to intimacy. “You are not giving me a lot of credit here.” Caleb hoped he managed to convey humor in his tone. “I may not have knelt in front of dozens of men, but I’m not clueless.”

Essek chuckled and the sound was beautiful. It was terribly alluring and enticing, like the sound was designed to lure Caleb in. “No, I have noticed that you are capable of a fine lingering gaze. And some lovely honey-dipped words.”

Caleb looked at Essek and he felt a smirk creep onto his lips as he remembered all the stolen glances and all the very intentional looks. The intonations he had hoped – and now knew – Essek to have heard. “You are not so bad at it, either.” Caleb playfully understated.

Essek then looked very intently at him and Caleb felt pinned by his eyes. Their shared gaze felt like the strongest constant in the world. The constant broke as his host had the audacity to lift his wine glass and caress the surface of it slowly with the tip of his tongue before taking the slowest, most deliberate sip Caleb had ever seen. Caleb knew he was staring. He envied Essek’s wine. Realizing how he had frozen up, he cleared his throat and found another point to stare at.

“Not so bad, yes?” Essek chimed. Tease.

“Verdammter Mist…” Caleb muttered quietly before taking a drink, hoping to drown the things that Essek was waking up within him.

There was a moment of silence and Caleb could almost feel Essek’s eyes on him and he wondered what Essek thought and whether he was entertaining the same desire to stop talking to move onto better things at the soonest possible moment. Gods, what was Caleb becoming? He was not a creature of lust, but somehow he was here and all he wanted was for that distance between him and Essek to be reduced to nothing so that they could repeat what had led to this meeting in the first place.

“Moving on.” Essek finally said, breaking the silence and Caleb really hoped that he hadn’t just messed something up without even noticing. “You know how to start, do you know how to stop?”

How to stop having sex? “What do you mean?”

“Have you haver had a safeword?” Essek asked.

Ah. He meant that. “Ah, no… I have not…”

“But you know what it is used for?” Essek deduced.

“Ja.”

“Alright, good. We will have to pick at least one. I would prefer if you had two. One that will inform me to pause or abort the current activity while continuing the remainder of the scene. And another one that will end it entirely.” Essek said.

“Sounds reasonable…” Not that Caleb felt interest in ever using them. He wanted to hand himself over. He began to spin the glass once again. Though, he supposed, if Essek were to try and cut him or perhaps try to Enchant him- “I know its purpose but… ah… what, in your opinion, would… warrant the use of a safeword?”

“Anything that makes you at the very least uncomfortable.” Essek paused, then continued. “Generally, I believe it is better to use them too liberally rather than too sparsely. I’d rather be stopped one time too many than one time too few. Whenever you feel as if something is wrong or you are not alright with what I am doing, use it.”

“I understand.” Caleb hesitated. Essek had said he had had previous lovers like this. Or, similar to this. Caleb would have loathed to be the worst of them because he interrupted things with safewords. Or, perhaps, to have Essek sneer at him for using one. But then… “Have you ever made use of one? If you… don’t mind the question.”

Essek looked aside for a moment. “Once. It is far more likely to be used by someone in your position, however. I can simply control what happens in the scene… If you must know; my… lover at the time turned things around and pinned me down. I had told him before that I did not want that. So I used the safeword and kicked him out when he got hostile over it.”

“Ah…” Once. For an explicit breach of rules. Caleb had to keep that in mind.

“But, er, back to the present…” Essek sounded uncomfortable and Caleb regretted asking. “Since you are more likely to use them, I would like you to pick two words that you can remember and say easily. Words that we would not normally use during a tryst.”

Caleb hummed and leaned back, tapping his finger against the glass. He contemplated the names of regions – people were out of the question - but those could prove to bear significance, eventually. So, simple words. Nouns, perhaps; nouns felt safe to use. Nouns, then, that had nothing to do with the Mighty Nein or anyone he used to know. Well, that was a challenge. Caleb’s mind made quick connections to people with even the most basic of objects. He looked around. Rug – Enchanted Rug – The rug at the Sutan Residence – Nott. Shelf – Bookshelves – Library – The Cobalt Soul – Beauregard. Wine glass – drink – tea – Caduceus. Everything related to something else. And everything that didn’t, likely would eventually.

Hells, if Caleb picked something very obscure chances were that it was going be one of the Nein’s new favorite thing three days into the future. They were unpredictable and strangely far-reaching. So, perhaps, a very ubiquitous word was better. Something easy to pronounce. Likely, with a strong connotation or association. Caleb continued to look around. Furniture was out of the question, it would have been confusing to scream ‘table’ if they were to do something in a room with a table in it. Perhaps, food, then. Food that they would likely not consume together for fun. Lemons? Yes, good. Sour. Too sour. A strong association. The stronger word. For the weaker one, perhaps of the same general food group. A lime? Not as well-known and a very short word. Easily overheard. Orange? Strange sounding by comparison. Another good fit. The lesser word.

“How about ‘Orange’ and ‘Lemon’?”

Essek looked at him for a moment. “They work well, I believe. Is there any particular thought to them?”

“Ah… well, aside from matching your requirements, I set out to find words that are either so specific that they will never bear any meaning in my or my companions’ day-to-day or words of something ubiquitous…. The former is nearly impossible to achieve with my group… for all I know we could be having a lemon tree next to the other one tomorrow… So I settled on ubiquity. I think ‘orange’ would be good as the… ah… soft stop? And ‘lemon’ as a full stop.” As he heard himself explain, Caleb worried that he was coming off strange. That it should have been simpler to pick two words.

“Right, alright. They are sensible choices.” Essek seemed approving and Caleb hoped it wasn’t fake. “In addition to verbal stops, I would like you to have a non-verbal one. If you cannot speak, snap your fingers until I react. If you cannot snap, either, try repeating any motion very noticeably three times. I will be looking out for your signals.”

“I can do that.” Three knocks, three kicks, three nods… there were several options.

“Good.” Essek offered him a brief smile. His brows then knit together in what appeared to be contemplation. Caleb pondered asking whether he was okay but decided to stay quiet in case silence was required. “If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I am feeling rather peckish. Would you care for some food, as well?”

“Ah…” Caleb cast his gaze away. He hadn’t even felt his own hunger until just then. But he hadn’t had a decent meal, yet. Not that that was saying much for him. He would have hated to ask about it but if it was an offer. “If… it’s not too much trouble.” He realized that he had no idea what constituted as appropriate in Rosohna. Accepting or rejecting things from a host could be polite or offensive. Not that Essek seemed too hellsbent on holding the Nein to the letter of his country’s rules of etiquette. Unless several invasive questions or inquiries into one’s floating were deemed polite. Which Caleb doubted.

“Not enough to warrant another favor.” The light teasing from Essek was relieving and pleasant. Essek got up and then began to float again.

Caleb noticed that, perhaps, if he asked to be considered he could carry the food himself. “Would you like some assistance? I could come along.”

“Thank you, but there is no need. Make yourself comfortable, I will be quick.” And with that Essek took off.

Caleb watched him disappear into the doorway. He wondered what Essek was going to get. He still wasn’t very familiar with the local cuisine. Not that he considered himself to be picky. If he had been in the past, years on the street had beaten that out of him very quickly. He looked over at the shelves where rows of books were still beckoning him to dip his hands into his component pouch to find out what their bindings said.

No. Not like this. Perhaps, Essek was going to be be amiable to explain it to him sometime. But he probably had wards that could detect spellcasting and even if not, Caleb was trying to build on their relationship, not immediately betray it. Trust could be built, Essek had said. And Caleb wanted for that to happen.

What he was able to do was follow the suggestion to make himself comfortable. Whether it was the candles, the wine of the presence of a very handsome wizard, Caleb had gotten rather warm. He put down his glass, stood up and took off his scarf before shrugging out of his coat and tossing both over the back of the couch. The books remained where they were at his sides. Just in case.

He sat down again, leaning back a little more with the constricting garment gone, one arm over the back rest.

Not soon after, he saw Essek re-emerge from the dark hallway. Caleb wondered whether that was something he was going to be allowed to get used to. Him waiting for Essek. The thought was more pleasant than Caleb would have thought.

“Willkommen zurück.” He said and the words came out much softer than he had intended them to. “Ah, welcome back.” He tried to salvage what he could. He then noticed that Essek was holding a bowl of what looked like… a parody of fruit. Likely, it was Rosohna-native fruit. Caleb wasn’t sure what he had expected Essek to bring but it had not been that. Nonetheless, he was intrigued. And he was not going to insult Essek – or perhaps his cultural norms – by drawing any attention to it.

Essek remained silent for another moment. Was he stunned? Perhaps, Caleb had _not_ been permitted to remove his scarf and coat? Or perhaps it was the less than orderly placement of them over Essek’s furniture? Stupid. He should have waited and asked where to put them. “Thank you.” Essek finally replied as he drew closer. He seemed oddly tense. “I hope you like fruit?”

“… Are there lemons?” Caleb questioned, hoping to reclaim some of the levity that had fled the room, and he was glad to see Essek relax a bit and smile.

“You will not find a single one, I assume that is preferable?”

Caleb chuckled warmly. “Well, if you had brought any I may have taken that as an indication to leave…” He bent over to look at the fruit more closely. It was definitely darker and less saturated in color than anything he was used to. The fruit looked less plump and ripe and more naturally dry.

“That would be rather upsetting, especially since you appear to have made yourself more at home.”

“Ah…” Caleb froze, he looked at the offending garment. “Ja, I hope that’s okay? I was feeling rather warm.”

“Of course. You are by no means obligated to be dressed for travel in my home.”

Caleb tried to hide his relief and turned his attention back to the offered food. All of it was intriguing. He went for something that reminded him visually of raisins and put a couple into his palm before withdrawing. He put one in his mouth and chewed experimentally. A bit tough. A sweet taste, though mild, that reminded him a bit of dates. It was good.

“So, how do you feel about being tied up?”

Caleb choked. The non-raisin seemed to resist him at the sudden, violent change of topic. Caleb felt his face burning hot and he watched Essek pick up his glass and drink.

“Apologies.” Essek’s voice faltered a little and Caleb couldn’t fault him for it with his malfunctioning throat. “I do believe the wine is… influencing my capability of … nuance.”

“No… No worries. Those questions are… ah… the point of this… conversation. I was just… surprised.” He cleared his throat, feeling the phantom of the non-raisin still there. “Ah… um. Being… tied up?” He swallowed hard. He tried to give his answer a serious thought but his mind decided to instead paint a very vibrant image of Essek tying his wrists to the bed before dragging his hands down- “I think I would… enjoy that.” He found himself strangely out of breath. “… Within reason.” He added, belatedly realizing that his mental image did not cover the expanse of possibilities.

“What exceeds ‘reason’, then? You must be more specific, Caleb.”

Gods, Caleb enjoyed his name dipped in Essek’s voice. But, also, specificity was the problem. Caleb had mostly vague ideas about what could be done to him. Several of the things he had read in books just did not seem physically _possible_. Mostly, he found himself completely embarrassed to discuss it. It was one thing to go to a smut shop with his friends. Still a different thing to listen to them joke about sex and dicks and tell him way more than he had ever wanted to know about what any of them did in bed. It was a thing in a different _world_ to tell someone _who wanted to sleep with him_ just how he would like his ability to move to be taken from him. The shame that had been pleasantly silent roared in his gut. The desire to be stripped off his defenses a burning, unpleasant ichor in his system. He tried to ignore it. Perhaps Essek was not going to notice his embarrassment if he played it off as humor. “Ah… hm… well… dangling from the ceiling or anything like that… would be a bit much… Other than that… I think it should be fine.”

Essek paused. “May I tie you to my bed?”

Caleb looked away. He should have expected him to take the specifics upon himself. “Yes…”

“May I tie you to my desk?”

Caleb would have been lying if he had claimed to have not thought of that before. “…Yes.”

“To a chair?”

Sure. That was- That would be fine. “Ja.”

“Does any furniture come to mind that would not be okay?”

“Ah… I can’t think of anything…” Caleb thought on it. “As long as we’re inside… and in private…”

“Of course.” Essek agreed. “May I tie your wrists?”

Please. “Yes.”

“Your ankles?”

Gods, yes. “Yes.”

“Gag you?”

No verbal components. Answering Sendings was mental. Summoning Frumpkin could be done without words. “…Yes.”

“Blindfold you?”

“Ah…” Caleb hesitated. He wanted to offer a resounding ‘yes’. As few limitations as possible. So that Essek could do what he truly wanted, but… Caleb was not going to know what was going on. Was going to be lost, lost, lost again. But Essek wasn’t going to do anything, he wouldn’t- They had agreed- And maybe it was going to be good- “I… don’t know”

“That is alright.” The assurance in Essek’s voice was soothing. “You do not have to.” Essek picked a bigger, more rounded fruit from the bowl for himself. He seemed so unbothered by asking Caleb all this. “May I restrain you with magic?” He bit into it.

Caleb watched him sink his teeth into the food. “… the first thing that comes to mind would be a form of paralysis. Would that not defeat the point of the safewords and actions?”

“Quite right, but I would not use any type of spell that strips you off those abilities.” Essek took another bite.

Caleb went through the restrictive spells he was aware of. None of them seemed to fit the bill for what Essek was describing. Maybe because he couldn’t fathom the nature of it with his current knowledge. “Would it be… dunamantic in nature, then? Would you be bending gravity to achieve physical restraint?” Caleb asked. With Dunamancy, there were likely several ways to achieve what Essek described. “And would this shift pertain to a gravity field surrounding your target or affect the mass itself? How would you achieve this in such a limited manner that… a target could still do something like… speak a safeword or snap their fingers?”

“Well, for a very capable Dunamancer, the re-allocation of mass and weight can be-“ Essek cut himself off and Caleb would have done anything to rescue the rest of his statement. “That has nothing to do with this conversation.” Essek smirked. “Are you trying to exploit me for more Dunamancy, after all?”

It hadn’t been his _intention_ , but he certainly wouldn’t have _ignored_ new information about Essek’s beautiful, alien magic. “No, I do… very sincerely… wish to have sex with you. But, ah, the allure of your craft… It is very strong, as well.”

“Oh, I am very well aware.” Essek leaned back. “I am quite fond of… alluring things.” He took another bite, vanishing the rest of his fruit.

Then why was he making plans to have sex with _Caleb_? Caleb shoved the remainder of his non-raisins into his mouth before he had the chance to say something stupid.

Essek swallowed. “You did not answer my question, though.” He pointed out. “How do you feel about magic during a tryst?”

Caleb looked up at him. Seeing more of Essek’s magic? Moreover, seeing Essek devise ways to use his magic like _that_? “I am… rather curious to see what precisely you would do. So, yes, I think I would like to explore that.”

Apparently that had been the correct response. Essek was near grinning. “Perfect. I assure you I will make use of our magical capabilities.”

Wait. “’Our?’ Mine, as well?”

Essek leaned closer and the smirk on his face became almost predatory. It hit those same chords within Caleb that his alluring tone of voice did. “I would love to test that sharp focus of yours… There are many … activities that would break a lesser wizard’s concentration with ease. I cannot wait to challenge yours. If you consent, of course.”

Maintaining concentration, was it? Caleb looked away, the eye contact almost searing. He would have to maintain spells while Essek was- while they were- “I-“ He cleared his throat. He had no food to blame for the lump in it this time. “Ja. Yes. I trust you to be mindful with the choice of spells.”

“I will be.”

Caleb believed him. After all, a lot of his spells were absolutely ill-advised in the bedroom. Painful, even. Speaking of which... “Would this- Would this challenge include, ah, pain? To… endure…”

“If you are calling it ‘enduring’, it does not sound like something you would enjoy. In that case, no.” Essek leaned away again, all hints of seduction vanishing.

“Ah. I am sorry, I didn’t mean- I phrased it poorly. I used the word because of the endurance element of what you described before.” Caleb grew more nervous as they were teetering on the edge of him having to delve into all the shameful things he wanted, again. He picked up his glass and began to spin it. “I did not mean to make it sound like I would not like it.”

“So you would?”

Would he? There was a part of him that wanted to say ‘yes’. There was something enticing about it. Not pain in and of itself, but pleasure-pain. Like when- “… I liked you pulling my hair. That was a little painful. I think firm gripping and pushing and that kind of thing I… I would really enjoy.” The glass stopped again. “It’s so… so strange to admit that.” Not just strange. Embarrassing. Humiliating. But he _wanted_ it.

“Not at all.” Essek countered. “If it offers some comfort, I rather enjoy the thought of tugging you around. I think I might also enjoy raking my nails over your skin. Maybe sucking some painful bruises into it… How would you like that?”

“Just no cutting.” Caleb immediately blurted out. “Ah, I would not like for you to… cut me. Or to make me bleed. Anything else we can try.” Though, perhaps, he was able push through it. If there was no way around it.

Essek seemed taken aback and for a second Caleb was afraid that Essek would have been _very_ interested in watching him bleed. “I take no pleasure in cutting.” He said as though having read Caleb’s mind. “I would probably not do it if you asked me to, so I am more than happy to abstain.”

“Ah, alright.” Relief soothed some of Caleb’s nerves. “I am… glad our interests align this well.” The smile came easier than it perhaps should have. He was still embarrassed. But Essek hearing all his wants and dislikes and denouncing none of them was… assuring. For each of Caleb’s secret wants, Essek had at least one to match. There was a strange kind of solidarity there. An understanding. Caleb was nervous and embarrassed, but he was oddly comfortable, nonetheless.

“As am I. It is rather serendipitous.” Essek pointed out. “You are… truly interested in this, correct?”

Interested was a mild way of putting it. “…Ja, I would not be here otherwise.” What had Caleb done to cause this doubt? “…why would I not be…?”

“I was merely recalling the day’s events. I… will not pry, as I’ve said, but you appeared a little… absent during our conversation outside the Lucid Bastion. I…” Essek hesitated. “I merely want to ensure that you are being… genuine about your interest.”

Oh. “I’m… It’s not like that.” It was, perhaps, a little like that. This _was_ going to be a means of escape from the things that had plagued him that very day. But, the way Caleb understood it, Essek thought he was making a rash decision because of it. Which was not the case. “Today… ah… you are correct, I was… but that has nothing to do with this. The- I would have approached you about this, regardless. I… had my mind made up about seeking you out for… ah… more the night after what happened. In the study, I mean. I promise you, I am not just looking for a distraction from today…”

“Alright.” Essek seemed to accept it. “Good.”

“Ja, I would not initiate this just because of… that.” Caleb assured. There was an ugly reminder of his past sitting somewhere just below the surface of his mind and he did his best to ignore it.

“I believe you.” Essek smiled. “But… I do hope that you will continue to be honest.”

Honest? About what? His name? His past? What had Essek picked up on? “Ah, what do you mean?”

“I mean that… if in a moment of self-reflection you do realize that you have no interest in this arrangement as described today, that you will openly and honestly tell me so.” Essek explained and Caleb felt foolish for overreacting.

“Ah, of course.”

“While this changes nothing about our professional relationship in terms of answers I am owed by you or truths that I require from you; within the confines of the arrangement you will tell me if something changes or shifts or occurs to you that alters the deal.” Essek stated. It was a rule, not a question.

One that Caleb had no interest in breaking. “Ja, I understand. I will not continue to pursue this … agreement if my interests change.”

“Very good.”

“But, ah, until I say so, please do assume that I want this. And that I am not operating under some kind of…” Caleb pushed, not wanting those doubts to linger. “I don’t even know.”

“Yes, of course. I could not enjoy this if I had to second guess your interest each time.”

“Yes, that. Likewise. Me too.” Caleb replied. “But, ah, I believe I have stated my interest quite clearly at this point.”

“You mean that you desire for me to take you to my bed and have you as though I owned you?” Essek’s tone became teasing and seductive again. “Yes, I think you have been rather outspoken about that.”

Caleb idly tapped his fingers against the surface of his glass. For as terrible as he was at keeping his thoughts in check, Essek was broadcasting _his_ right across the table. Not that Caleb was ever going to complain. “… You normally speak in such a … polished and proper manner that I sometimes forget that you are, ah, quite capable of the opposite, as well.”

“Don’t act as though you’re not guilty of the same.” Essek berated playfully. “Nobody likes a hypocrite, Widogast.”

“Hah, I suppose you’re right.” But a hypocrite, he was. “But, ahm, what you said, yes. That is what I meant.”

“That you want me to own you?” Essek had found a button and he appeared hellsbent on relentlessly pushing it.

“Gods.” Caleb looked away. He knew he was flushed red. “Yes, Essek, that I want you to own me.”

“That you want me to take you?” Essek leaned closer. “Like you’re mine? Like I can do anything I want to you?”

Hells. Gods. Fuck. “Ja. That- All of that.” Caleb _wanted_ that. _Badly._ He wanted to be claimed and owned and for no one else to be able to lay a hand on him. Or on Essek, for that matter. In a different world, he’d want to show it, too. To make it known that Essek had chosen _him._ _Him_ and no one else. Unless- “I- Ah, maybe this question is very stupid.”

Essek leaned back, abandoning the lustful demeanor once more. “Go ahead, I’m sure it is fine.” He said in his ever-patient tone of voice.

“This… ownership-“ Caleb made air quotes for good measure. “-that you will have over me. You won’t… have me indicate it in some way, correct? Since all of this is just part of the, ah, bubble.”

“How do you mean?” Essek asked. “Indicate… how?”

Caleb couldn’t tell whether he had been unclear or whether this was just Essek teasing again. “Oh, I mean something visual. Like, something to wear.”

“Oh! I don’t- You are aware that I will not actually own you, correct? In any way? You are still free to do whatever you like outside of the hours we share.”

That was what the air quotes had been for. “Ja, I know.” Caleb said, unwilling to believe that Essek had thought him ready to just hand himself over entirely. “But I heard of signifiers being used in this type of relationship… I assume that is a ‘no’, then?” Heard of, fantasized about - it was really all the same in this context.

“Well, that sort of thing certainly exists but… since you are still free to seek out someone else and our situation is… unique…” Essek hesitated. “Unless you wish to be made to wear something. I could find something subtle… You would have to lie about its origin if someone saw it, however.”

Yes, he wanted that. “Ah, no, I-“ Yes, please. “That would probably be, ah, very unwise. Wearing anything outside of- I just- I wanted to know, to have brought it up, I guess. To know for sure.” To indicate what he liked, to entertain a stupid, foolish whim that he didn’t even know the origin of.

“Right, yes. It would be a foolish- I simply thought if you really wanted it, I could make that possible.” Essek was rambling, too, and Caleb worried he had made him uncomfortable. “If you are interested in having proof of my ownership-“ Essek returned the air quotes. “-over you, I could always give you a temporary mark. Like a hickey.”

Caleb found Essek’s gaze. “I… I believe I would like that, yes.” To have a little reminder while he was gone that he hadn’t conjured up this completely surreal arrangement in his mind. That Essek really thought him _something_ enough to sleep with.

Caleb noticed Essek shifting in his place, his face trapped in an expression of contemplation. Perhaps he was re-considering the hickeys? No, that didn’t seem right.

“Is everything alright, Shadowhand?” Caleb decided to question, feeling the title heavy on his tongue.

“Ah… yes. Quite.” Well, that was obviously a lie. “Just feeling a bit warm.”

With that mantle, the wine and the candles, it was no wonder. Caleb was momentarily confused why this was an issue at all. Shedding the mantle was easy enough. It was then, as though Essek had heard that thought, that he undid his clasps, rose from his seat and took off the garment. Caleb found himself staring. They had hooked up, but Caleb had never actually seen much beneath the mantle. Even in the study he had only caught a brief glimpse before he had sunken to his knees and been terribly _occupied_ with something other than watching _._ Underneath the mantle, Essek was wearing much more form-fitting clothing than Caleb was, accentuating his figure. He was thin, but not terribly so. His physique did not speak of travel the way Caleb’s did, but was instead elegant and… just very beautiful.

“Wishing I’d go further, are you?” Essek teased and Caleb felt caught.

“I… would not be opposed.” He looked into Essek’s eyes.

“Asking me to undress for you now?” Essek challenged. “That would be the other way around, Mr. Widogast…”

Caleb blushed at the notion. Right. Another consideration; Essek hadn’t seen him naked, either. Was agreeing to this without having seen what he looked like underneath the layers.

“…Would you be comfortable with undressing for me?” Essek inquired and Caleb cursed himself for showing hesitation. “... I mean I assumed you would be but considering our last tryst…”

“Well, not right now…” Caleb joked. Though, he didn’t even know why not right then. Perhaps because he had seen just how stunning Essek was _still_ _dressed_ and he realized that he was going to fail to match up to him in any and all columns. And perhaps, he was not ready for that kind of rejection on that type of day. “But, yes. I don’t have a problem with undressing.” Though, it had been a while since he had undressed for someone in a context of desire. “So long as … you don’t mock what I look like.” No. Mist. He couldn’t keep throwing wrenches into this. He wanted it. Essek had to know that he was ready to do what it took. “I know that… demeaning language is… part of it, but…”

“It doesn’t have to be.” Essek shrugged. “I do not revel in the feeling of telling my lovers that they’re not beautiful, either.”

Ah. Well then. “Good, I’m glad I wouldn’t be… taking something away you enjoy. Ah! There is something else.” Caleb snapped his fingers as he remembered. “I wear this chain… Actually since you’re going to see I might as well show it, I suppose.” He put the glass down to fish for the protective pendant under his shirt. He produced it.

Essek leaned closer to inspect it and Caleb debated whether it was okay for him to know its Enchantment or not. “I must warn you, charm effects do not affect me lightly…” Essek teased.

“Ah, no, this is … well, if it’s okay I would tell you… maybe in the future. But it is something I would rather wear at all times.” Caleb tucked it away. “I promise it has no negative effects on you. And nothing that would influence our… encounters. I won’t mind being told to take off my clothes, so long as this may remain on.”

“Of course. I will not ask you to remove it.”

Caleb was grateful. “Sehr gut. Ah, that is … very good. I’m glad you understand.”

“Like I said. I will not do anything that we don’t both want.” Essek reminded.

“Ah, yes.” He had made that claim before. And Caleb believed it. He just wished he had more to offer to the conversation than to answer Essek’s questions and shoot down things that seemed too intense. All in all, he felt like he was contributing very little. He would have done more if he had known what to do. “I wish I was a little more… well-versed on what that is. What I want, I mean…”

“You are versed enough.” Essek said in an assuring tone of voice. “Anything else, you can tell me along the way. If not during a tryst itself then during aftercare.”

“…Aftercare?” Caleb had heard of it before. Knew the broad idea of it. But Essek and him were not going to be in a relationship and aftercare seemed like a rather emotional thing.

“Yes. Aftercare. After we have sex, I will make sure that you are okay. Provide you with anything you may need and we can talk about whether I did anything you did not like but did not feel warranted usage of a safeword.” Essek explained.

“I see…” ‘Okay’ was a long shot from where Caleb felt himself at half the time. And there was not much Essek could do about that. There was nothing Caleb _wanted_ him to do about it.

“Don’t worry if you’ve never participated in such a thing. People’s needs vary, I’ve both physically and verbally reassured previous lovers. We will see what you need, if you don’t know, yet.”

It was hard to imagine Essek gently taking care of someone. Let alone _him_. “Okay.” Essek seemed rather certain about them having such a thing. That was fine, Caleb supposed. He was able ti say that he was okay and didn’t need anything additional. Sincerely, what was Essek going to offer him, anyway? Caleb tried to contemplate this but felt his thoughts drift. Lured away from the forefront of his mind by the many hours spent awake and the buzz of nervous energy leaving to be replaced with a paralyzing tiredness. A yawn pushed its way free. “Apologies…” He rubbed his face and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“No need.” Essek said gently. “I feel rest calling me, as well. Perhaps, we should end on this note for tonight. I think we both have a thorough understanding of the arrangement. Anything further can be discussed as we progress. I… may have forgotten to bring up numerous things, anyway.”

So even he was not perfect at this. He could have fooled Caleb. “Ah, you don’t have a checklist where you have been ticking off all the, ah, fantasies you wish to discuss?”

“I don’t need a checklist to remember what I want.” Essek smirked and Caleb couldn’t help but be delighted by how pleasant teasing Essek and being teased in return was. “Be careful. If you tease me like that I’ll have you beg to tick off _your_ list.”

“Ah, I must have been mistaking. I thought that was your plan all along.” Caleb smiled. So easy, indeed. Like this whole conversation. Sure, he had been nervous and embarrassed but he had managed to _talk_ about these things. With _Essek._ And he was going to walk out of there with shared intent to meet again. “I… ah… This was a … surprisingly pleasant conversation.”

“Should I be offended that you found that surprising?” Essek asked, maintaining the teasing and humored tone of voice.

“I think that awkwardness was a very average expectation, so I would hope that you don’t take it personally.” Caleb was relatively sure that he would not. Essek had been terribly understanding this whole evening. “But ah… regardless… while your company is pleasant, I…”

“I understand.” Essek said. “These are lightless hours. Especially for a human-“ He paused. “- I mean… because of the amount of sleep that you require.”

“Ja, no worries. No offense taken. You are not wrong.” Caleb assured. He hesitated. Realizing how late it had really gotten made him feel a little guilty. “It is very late. I … apologize for stealing so much of your time.”

“Not to worry. I would have asked you to leave had I not been able to spare it.”

“Ah. I assumed that you would have shown me the door.” Or he hoped that Essek would have. In spite of Essek’s patience, or perhaps because of it, Caleb found it very hard to evaluate just what his lover-of-sorts really thought of him. A worry began to nag the back of his mind. He had jumped this conversation on Essek out of nowhere. After bothering him at work just hours before, messed up and rambling. “I… I am not imposing on you, am I?” After all, Caleb was damaged goods. He was not going to be a great lover. Not even a good one. And perhaps he had somehow given off a different impression before, but then he had gone and rambled all over Essek that afternoon and, really, what if Essek had just not taken that into consideration when picking him as a match?

“… Imposing? Right this moment?” Essek asked.

“Er, no, I meant, in general, I suppose.” Caleb explained, feeling silly for bringing it up in the first place. “Though, right now, as well.”

Essek eyed him. “I am not sure I understand. Are you referring to the favors?”

“No, I mean this… arrangement.” Though it was fair to assume that he was overstaying his welcome with those favors, too.

“I have offered you this deal. I do not see how you could be overstaying your welcome by agreeing to it.”

“Ah, well, I suppose…” Caleb fumbled with a string of his sleeves. He ran a hand through his hair though he only noticed that he did it when his fingers got caught on a tangle. “What I mean is that I, ah, sprung this conversation on you today.”

“I could have turned you away had I not wanted it.” Essek reminded.

“I guess. But after this afternoon… I worry I didn’t give you enough time to consider. Or perhaps, reconsider this.” But that was not quite it, either. He needed Essek to know what he was getting into. He needed him to know that he was damaged, not good enough, not capable or attractive or alluring. Essek needed to know all the things he would loathe about him. Caleb ruined things. Would ruin Essek’s prim and perfect life.

“I assure you that I have had plenty of time to think this through.” Essek said in that calm voice of his.

“Ah, yes, but…” He didn’t get it. “I…” 

Essek sighed. “If you have no interest in this, after all and are seeking a way to end this conversation-“

“No, no, no!” Caleb looked at Essek. He was being selfish and he knew it. If he were a better person he would have distanced himself right then. Called it off for Essek’s sake. He was imposing, a nuisance. Essek could push him away. At any time. He had to know that. “I promise, that is absolutely not what I meant. I just- I- I don’t want to intrude. Or for you to think that I believe to have some, ah, claim to your time now. I would hate for you to feel as though you had to… always accommodate me because of this agreement.”

“You need not worry about that. I have no intention of letting this compromise my work or my duties.” Essek assured. “And I have no issue turning you away if I don’t have time for you. I will not favor or prioritize you. Such is the nature of our bubble. You really have no reason to worry about that.”

Of course he didn’t. Essek knew where to put his priorities, he had never given him a different impression. But Caleb was glad for the ‘out’, the option to abandon the thread he had started. “Good. That’s… good.”

“You don’t seem too sure.” Essek said and Caleb wished he was just going to drop it.

Caleb stared back down. He considered his words. Tried to summon the courage to speak them fully. But he could not. He couldn’t, because if he pointed out how much he was imposing and how little Essek was going to get out of him, he was going to be turned away. “Your life here appears rather complex.”

“There are several complicated components, yes.” Essek confirmed.

“I am trying to find out how to be- ah, nein.” Caleb wanted to be as small as possible. “How to avoid stumbling into any of those… components. I do not want to be a bothersome guest. You have said you will turn me away if I inconvenience you. And I do know, very well, I think, that there are a lot of things that demand your undivided attention. I just wish to not unpleasantly interfere with any of that on accident...”

“Well, you seem fairly well equipped with manners and common sense, so I would not worry too much about causing me problems of that nature.”

Caleb laughed drily. Common sense and manners. He really must have acted well around Essek for him to make that assessment. Caleb was smart, sure, but he did not have much in the ways of common sense. And he had manners only when he needed to have them.

“As long as you adhere to our discussed rules of privacy, I cannot imagine you interfering with any of my work.” Essek said. “If you wish to see me, approach me at my home and I will tell you whether I have time for you or not. It is no more complex than that. You are right, of course. Interested as I am in this arrangement and how it will develop, my profession, my Den and several other matters will always be a priority to me.”

“Ja, okay.” Anything should have been a priority over him.

“I want this arrangement, Caleb. We would not have had this conversation, otherwise. You mustn’t ever worry that you are overstaying your welcome. I will not allow that to happen.”

Caleb let Essek’s voice resonate and echo and unfold in his mind. Oh, how he wanted to believe that. How he wanted to believe that he was not going to ruin Essek somehow. “Alright.”But how was he to say any of that?

Essek said nothing in response for a moment. “If you have any further inhibitions at any point, please discuss them with me. I will not judge or condemn you for such a thing. This, I promise.” He sounded full of conviction. “I am not sure I understand what you’re thinking, but whatever it is: Know that I mean what I say when I tell you I want this. I wish to explore this and I am terribly curious to find out the routes this will take.”

Caleb paused. He realized that he was being awful. Making vague and selfish comments without even acknowledging Essek’s too kind attempts to help. “Thank you for the assurance…” He said. “I am very curious to see where this will go, as well.” That was true, at least.

Essek wore a soft smile, seemingly a bit comforted by the change of topic. “Well, I do believe that as long as we play our cards right this will be a very beneficial arrangement.”

“Ah, yes.” Caleb agreed. If Essek really did mean what he said, that was. But with the way he was speaking to Caleb, that assuring and gentle tone of voice, the consideration, the promise for acceptance… “It is… it is a good thing that the proverbial card game is cooperative.”

“Oh, would you not like to play against me?” Essek teased.

Nothing would have been more fun, Caleb was sure. “On the contrary – I think I might find that interesting, just not for this.” Caleb admitted. Playing a game of wits against Essek seemed like a delightful way to spend his time. “As long as the game would be strategic in nature and not based on luck.”

“Hm. Why do I feel as though I would be cheated out of my coin if I were to play against you?” Essek smirked and Caleb gladly accepted the levity he introduced into the conversation again.

“That is quite the accusation, Shadowhand.” Caleb pointed out. “Are you implying that I could not beat you with my intellect alone?”

“That is not what I meant to imply. But there is always a last resort, is there not? If you were to lose otherwise.”

“I suppose that would depend on the prize.” Caleb pondered. “If I had bet my life, of course I would cheat to keep it. But in a battle of sheer intellect with nothing to lose but pride, I would take an honest loss over an unjust win.”

“I see. Well, in any case, I, too, am glad that this game is cooperative. And I do think we are both eager to… win.” Essek’s smirk grew.

“Ja… you could say that.” Caleb felt himself blush again. Though, he was not sure what the final state of a ‘win’ was going to look like, if such a thing existed. And for that matter… “What, ah, what would failure… entail? Ah, nein, that phrasing was poor. What I meant was… when does this game end?”

Essek’s expression fell. “Are you asking when our arrangement is over?” Caleb regretted souring the mood yet again.

“Ja. If there is a foreseeable end I would like to know about it.” Caleb explained.

“Well, right now I do not see such a thing. If we find ourselves incompatible, we simply call it off. Or if one of us enters a monogamous relationship. There are a number of things that could terminate this agreement.” Like most relationships, then.

“Would that… You spoke about the… bubble-like nature of this. But, if this were to end, what would that mean for anything else? The, ah, other points of contact between us.” Caleb looked at the table between them, his eyes only flickering up briefly to meet Essek’s.

“Nothing, I would hope. I have faith in my own professionalism. I believe that if this proves to be a mistake, I can continue as though it never happened.”

“Ah, ja. I think I can do that too.” Caleb agreed. Though he knew that it was an easy thing to say and an entirely different thing to uphold in the moment.

“Then I do not see a problem. But perhaps it would be best not to dwell on the possible end before we have begun, yes?” Essek offered.

“Of course, I apologize.” Caleb looked up. “I like to know as much about the possible outcomes of a choice as I can.”

“Very understandable.”

Caleb wanted to answer but as he opened his mouth another yawn seized the opportunity to flee. He covered his mouth. “Sorry…”

“No need. I have kept you quite a while.” Essek said. Though Caleb found the question of who kept who debatable.

“Kept me very willingly.” Caleb added with a smile to make sure that Essek knew that he meant it. “But, ah, perhaps I should get going.”

“Of course.” Essek nodded. “Let me escort you to the door.”

-

Caleb was sent home with a kiss and an enticing command. And while he left Essek behind in his towers, Essek did not leave his mind for even a second that night. Caleb was overwhelmed, excited, exhausted, nervous and so many other things that conflicted and meshed and contrasted in his head. None of that bothered him and he fell asleep feeling comfortable about where the day had ended up.

And oddly excited about where the next ones would hopefully go.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I did ye olde "POV swap". Lazy, lazy, I know, but I have been planning on writing this for a while.
> 
> Quick aside: If you've read the other thing I THINK this is evident, but anytime Caleb describes his own wants as shameful or terrible, that is his self-loathing and insecurity speaking. It is definitely not me imposing my own views on this. I don't consider any of his intimate wants (in this fic) to be shameful, bad or unhealthy. Just making sure. 
> 
> Comments are the breath in my lungs and kudos are the blood in my veins! (That means I would appreciate both very much <3)
> 
> -
> 
> Zemnian:  
> "Verdammter Mist." - Literally translates to "damned crap" but is in the vein of "god damn it."  
> "Liebhaber" - "Lover"  
> "Mist" - "Crap"


End file.
